Nostalgia

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Sifting through nostalgia

Dreading the absence of something that has yet to be absent

how odd…

At dusk, some of the locals light a fire… I’m not sure why but some say it’s to ward off the mosquitos.

But the smell, something about the smell that the fire brings at dusk

mixed with the delicate ingredients that make up the sweet fragrance of Indonesia

speaks to every trace of my being

And even though I am still here…

I lay here listening to the thunder roll, gazing at lightning’s fury thrash about the sky and watching the rain as it murders the fires, forcing them to reignite in their wildest dreams…

I trace my steps back to Indonesia

where the fires breathe their idea of love back inside

the spirit-soaked, dusk sky of Indonesia

Something better than this

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Sometimes the rain falls and nourishes the earth

She feeds life into us

Sometimes it feels like it rains inside of myself… and tears fall from my eyes

Sometimes I imagine my tears are the rain… and that my tears nourish me like the rain nourishes the earth.

But my tears aren’t rain and they just deplete me

Emptying me from the inside out.

Sometimes I wonder if the tears are emptying me to make room for something new

I don’t know if that’s true, but if it is, I hope that the something new is something better

The birds do

I wanna do freedom like the birds do

Envious of their movement through time and space

Gazing out of the window

Witness to their adventures

What if I could fly?

I would fly backwards in time to watch my dog sleeping at the foot of my bed

I would fly forward, up and into my son’s room where I am rocking him to sleep

I would take flight, straight into my mother’s kitchen and chat her up about everything while she cooks dinner

If I were a bird, I would do freedom like the birds do

Up and down

Over and under

Expressing my love for the air with my flight in the heart of her

Taunting the wind as I fly, twisting and turning so easily around her

And I watch

In awe

Of the freedom that has been bestowed upon them

Just as the birds do

I desire that freedom, too